The Yule Log: Christmas Radio Insanity

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Most folks have one in their town–a radio station that switches from soft rock to all-Christmas-all-the-effing-time radio. Here in the valley we are spared this seasonal phenomena. I feel fortunate to have KTRT the Root, a world-centered,rockabilly-hippy-blues, locally owned and operated radio station that plays as much Gogol Bordello as they do Mumford and Sons. Yep, I’m here to brag that we don’t have Christmas radio in the car….

312887_10200213731490984_1722053359_n….then there’s Pandora. My daughter–the matron saint of annoying traditions–insists that our home is full of yuletide merriment. For the last two weeks our house has been one chaotic Pandora’s box of Christmas hell. In major key. With harmony. And jingle bells. I’ve kept a Christmas log to record my trials and observations of this Christmas spirit in song.

Day one: December 11th (Christmas, 14 days away according to our lovely advent calendar, as shown here =>).

“I am warmed by the soft glow of the laptop. Vince Gauraldi takes me some place special–a place where the snow falls a little softer and we walk in reverent contemplation. The decorations aren’t even out of storage yet. There’s time. Wonderful winter time. Christmas is a beautiful time. A time of families and friends and warm drinks and laughter. And music. Wonderful music.”

 

Day two: December 12th

I’m so productive! I have the christmas spirit all up inside of me and it makes me think projects. Christmas, you will be my bitch. I’m going to make Martha Stewart look like a shiftless layabout! Oh, Christmas, you fiendish little vixen. How’d I ever live without you for a whole 11 months?

Day 7: December 18th

548696_10200284653063979_865264159_nThanks to Evan William’s Eggnog that I drop into my coffee from time to time to time, I have 37 buzzed craft projects in my livingroom (like this drag queen Christmas bauble). They grow out of the closets and spill out over the table. The kids must eat their cereal in their bedrooms to avoid eating glitter. They whine, but I just turn the music up, up, UP! I must finish at least one of these projects, but the music and the booze (boosic?) drives me on tirelessly and I make Christmess magic! Bought $200.00 worth of craft supplies last night. I blame the eggnog. NEVER shop under the influence, kids.

Day 8:December 19th

This was my favorite Christmas song. It was, that is, until my sister referred to it as “the Date Rape Song.” No matter how hard I try, I cannot unhear her words. This song is ruined. I feel dirty. It seems as though this Christmas music has taken a turn….

Day 9: December 20th

If it weren’t for my little Christmas imps being so cheerful, I would have dropped the laptop in the bathtub by now. Every time I hear a “Michael Bubble” song I fantasize about taking a melon-baller to my ears. The most recent assault I’ve experienced was the Bubble man’s rendition of “Santa Baby.” Odd? Yes. Bubble has tried and failed to make this lusciously provocative sexual appeal to Santa sound like some ho-ho-homance. This attempt at bromancing the Claus reminds me more of a homeless man accosting a Salvation army bell-ringing Santa and less of a I’m-friends-with-the-gift-guy tone that Bubble intends.

PS- don’t try this on your own, kids. you will fail. Trying to take the sexy out of “Santa Baby” is like taking the peanut butter out of a Reece’s cup or taking the apples out of apple pie or taking the boobs off of Barbie and naming her Skipper or appreciating Brian Lochte’s contributions to the field of particle physics! WTF, right? I know!

Day 11: December 22

I am up to my ears in holidays. Three more days until Christmas. My face twitches to “The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy.” I don’t know if I can take eight more days of cheery X-mess insanity.

Day 11, 2.0: 10:30 AM

A coup has overthrown the matriarch of Christmas. “STOP!” I screamed. “No more! I cannot take it!

My daughter, oblivious to my declining mental health, realized finally that the Christmas songtime was over. I’m happy to say that the Root has been restored to the household. And peace fell upon the house….

 

So please, for the love of yourself, don’t get all hopped up on more than a sporadic smattering of yuletide tunes. Don’t do what this crazy family did.

 

And have a great, happy, warm holiday season, y’all. Give, share, and be kind.

 

A special thanks to youtube for all the boosic. And the advent calendar is from the Rum Room (the senior center rummage store). I know. You’re jealous of my awesome score, aren’t you?